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"Scraping the Bottom of the Can"
May. 17th, 2022 06:35 pm(Ring, ring)
(Swipe)
"Did you talk to her yet?"
"Well, Hello, Helen, thanks for asking. Yes, I'm doing OK." I went for jovial, maybe even flirty.
"You imbecile, did you talk to Stella yet?" I couldn't even pretend Helen sounded amused.
"In the last 10 minutes? No, I haven't. I told you, I'm going to meet her for lunch tomorrow."
"Lunch! She doesn't deserve lunch! Steve this has to be done quietly and fast. It's not time for a nostalgic lunch of old memories over salad!" I could hear her typing as she talked to me. Tap, tap, tap, man, even her fingers sounded angry.
"Actually, I was thinking sushi? Or maybe Ramen? The best business can be done over a nice hot bowl of Ramen. Want me to make YOU some Ramen? You used to say mine was the best." Why was Helen so obsessed about Stella anyways. "Don't you want to head to the kitchen together tonight? Make something...hot?" I lower my voice, trying to be sexy.
"As usual, you are missing the damn point. Go ahead and talk to her, actually just tell her that she does this or we post the photos. Immediately! She has to decide this instant. I can't wait any longer. The ribbon cutting is the weekend, and I won't let some looney, empty-headed fling of yours derail my campaign." How come when there was a problem, the problem was always mine while her campaign I'd been working on for months suddenly was hers, hers, hers?
"Helen, the campaign doesn't really start 'til May. It will be ok." Forget sexy, I'll just go for soothing.
"Seriously, Steve, how often do we need to go over this. There isn't a campaign season unless you're one of those glassy-eyed common voters" (she spat the word "voter" as though she was saying "dun-heap." Unless the cameras were rolling, Helen didn't bother to act like voters deserved even a pinch of gratitude. "That's why I have to run," she would say, her feet soaking in her foot spa, a gin and tonic in her hand. "If I won't lead them, who would?")
"I promise I'll talk to her, and I will. Stella isn't someone who just jumps at commands." Ah, Stella... and if she jumped, she bounced just a bit....my daydream explodes as Helen snaps:
"Of course she isn't. You never knew how to pick women or anything else for that matter until I came into your life." Now she sounds like my mom. "Steven do this, Steven do that." Not the most arousing tone, but OK.
"Yeah, sure, OK, I have to go, Helen. Kisses." I swipe my phone shut and put it in my pocket. Why was I doing this again? It's true, I'm not the most decisive guy. Stella seemed to find that cute. Helen, on the other hand, would moan and groan about "Can you just make a decision already?" but I'd come to see there is a certain type of woman who can't resist being Wonder Woman to a fumbling guy. Stella always said I reminded her of her beloved Grizzlies, bumbling about, trying to fish or pick berries, but not above rummaging through nearby trash can, if they run out of dinner options.
I always thought it meant I was resourceful, but Helen soon set me straight. "In a room, you have to remember not to go for the, well, human trashcan."
"Trash can?" I remember saying. "I didn't see anyone homeless in there. I was just chatting."
"The help, Steve, the help. You're here to charm the DONORS. And, just a hint, those are not the people refilling glasses or carrying piles of plates."
"Everyone can vote, Helen. You know that."
"Votes. Why do you keep harping about votes? First off, sure, everyone can. But you know 'people like that' won't be taking time off work to vote. But even if they do, it's not the votes that count. You need to remember the bottom line!" She smoothed her blazer down, turning in front of the mirror as we changed for bed.
"Oh yeah, I love your bottom line, baby. I'll never forget that!"
"Steven!" She shrieked, indignantly, swatting my hand over her perfect curves. "I mean the bottom line that will win us the White House!"
"The White House? I thought you were running for governor? First lady of Idaho! And all I can say is, you are first above all the hoes I've ever met, Ida included."
"It's not first lady. It's Governor Brown. And who was Ida? You never mentioned her."
"She didn't last long. I wasn't sure it was important."
"As long as she's not one of those bloody bleeding heart types like Stella. Those types cause much more trouble than they are worth."
"I'm not sure she..." my voice trailed off. "I mean, of course, Helen. Stella was and still is nothing, but trouble."
````````````````````
Honestly, Stella wasn't trouble, I thought, waiting at "Roll into Sushi" the next day. She just, well, she wasn't Helen's type. Helen loved people. Well, no, that's not exactly right. Helen loved power over people. Now, that was definitely true, whereas Stella...if any talked to her very long it was all Grizzly diet and Grizzly habitat and Grizzly cubs. "Modern humans are forcing Grizzlies to compete with possums!" I still remember how cute she looked when she was indignant.
"Oh hi, Possum, I mean Stella, Stella, of course!" We did that awkward side step into a side hug because hey, it's kind of awkward to merely shake hands with someone you saw naked.
"Possum? Gosh, I forgot you used to call me that! Why was that again?" Stella laughed, and oh man, it drew me in. I remember I'd do anything just to hear her cute little giggle....
"Because you can find the good in any trash can. That's how you found me, right?" We were, as improbable as it sounded, a couple who met doing trail maintenance. Stella was there to clean things up for the Grizzlies, and I just cared about the environment. (That's what I said anyways. Honestly, my buddy Dave told me that volunteering could be a way to meet chicks. The girl kind, not the bird kind.)
"Sure. Ok. What did you need again? I haven't seen you in a coon's age."
Ah Stella and her odd little sayings. You never knew what would come out of those perfect lips. Focus, Steve, focus.
"Well, let's order first. And don't worry, this is one of those ethically sourced places you love so much."
"Do they have tofu?" Stella wrinkled her little nose, squinting at the menu.
She looked so cute when she squinted.
`````````````````````````````````
"So you ...what? How did, I thought you said you deleted those photos! You said you did! I trusted you."
Stella wasn't finding me quite as cute as our meal ended. Any treasure chest of memories often has a few cobwebs and shreds of trash mixed in.
"Hush, ok. You never know.."
"Oh yeah, I forgot, you're important now. And Helen's fanboys might be listening."
"It's not just that. I don't want you embarrassed. Can't you please do this? That distribution center won't really hurt anyone! You owe us anyways. Helen got the funding for those mountain trails renewed, remember. She even got them to set up a maintenance trust!" I'm begging her now. Why do I spend all my time begging women? I never used to have to do this. I wiped my now streaked with grey hair back off my forehead. "Are you hot? Or is it just me? Of course, you're hot. You always were, Stella." I'm transitioning from begging to flirting. There, that's better. I'm the man. I can finesse Stella, Helen too. I still know how to talk to the ladies!
"Steve, you know what? I don't care. You two may as well ruin my life like Behemoth.com ruins everything. Bookstores, Grizzly habitat, what's next? I hear they want to start filling prescriptions! No more drug stores, no more small business anywhere. It's like all Behemoth.com cares about is the bottom line. They won't be happy 'til there is no more green left. And if it's up to Josh Bebo, no one will even look out windows to notice if anything is green. They will just be hypnotized zombies, clicking "Buy It Now," wearing headsets in that Hugelyverse Mike Fickerburg keeps trying to sell. Sell, sell, sell. Not a single business cares about the Grizzlies anymore!" Stella had switched from reminiscing past lover to passionate activist within two sentences. Damn, she was hot when she was preaching the gospel of her Grizzlies!
"Stella, I...this is really important to Helen. I don't think I can stop her this time. When she is determined, all anyone can do is watch out. I never want you to get hurt. I just, well, I still care about you, Stella. Can't you do this? For me?" Back to that begging. Dang it!
"Steve, I don't care about you or Helen anymore, and I mean it. And all I can say is, do you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who cheats, lies, and manipulates? What happened to you, Steve? I don't recognize you anymore. I'm outta here."
Stella marched out, and honestly, she might be a lowly voter, but Helen had nothing on Stella's bottom line, if you know what I mean. Stella. Man. I see her, and here she is leaving me again. I wonder if...
(ring, ring)
(Swipe)
"Yes, Helen?" I didn't even check caller ID. She's trained me well. Sometimes it's just easier not to argue.
"So did you call off Grizzly Girl or is she going to join the ranks of Monica Blinksky and all those other trashy stars you can't stop reading about?" She continues blabbing, and I just let her talk. Stars. I used to think Helen was a star, shooting across the black sky of Idaho politics. But did I really know what true stars were anymore? Helen wasn't the type for camping in the woods, with a telescope. Camping wasn't very productive, she said. No donors around.
"Steven! Are you even listening! Steve!"
"Yes, Dear. I mean, Helen. I'll help. Just tell me how." I try to take mental notes of Helen's demands, I mean, reasonable requests, that's what she told me to call them, as I walk from the air conditioned restaurant to the limo Helen sent.
When we arrived at the headquarters, it took me two hours before I wondered if Stella was right. Were the green spaces shrinking? I really should look sometime.
(Ring, ring)
Sigh.
(swipe)
(Swipe)
"Did you talk to her yet?"
"Well, Hello, Helen, thanks for asking. Yes, I'm doing OK." I went for jovial, maybe even flirty.
"You imbecile, did you talk to Stella yet?" I couldn't even pretend Helen sounded amused.
"In the last 10 minutes? No, I haven't. I told you, I'm going to meet her for lunch tomorrow."
"Lunch! She doesn't deserve lunch! Steve this has to be done quietly and fast. It's not time for a nostalgic lunch of old memories over salad!" I could hear her typing as she talked to me. Tap, tap, tap, man, even her fingers sounded angry.
"Actually, I was thinking sushi? Or maybe Ramen? The best business can be done over a nice hot bowl of Ramen. Want me to make YOU some Ramen? You used to say mine was the best." Why was Helen so obsessed about Stella anyways. "Don't you want to head to the kitchen together tonight? Make something...hot?" I lower my voice, trying to be sexy.
"As usual, you are missing the damn point. Go ahead and talk to her, actually just tell her that she does this or we post the photos. Immediately! She has to decide this instant. I can't wait any longer. The ribbon cutting is the weekend, and I won't let some looney, empty-headed fling of yours derail my campaign." How come when there was a problem, the problem was always mine while her campaign I'd been working on for months suddenly was hers, hers, hers?
"Helen, the campaign doesn't really start 'til May. It will be ok." Forget sexy, I'll just go for soothing.
"Seriously, Steve, how often do we need to go over this. There isn't a campaign season unless you're one of those glassy-eyed common voters" (she spat the word "voter" as though she was saying "dun-heap." Unless the cameras were rolling, Helen didn't bother to act like voters deserved even a pinch of gratitude. "That's why I have to run," she would say, her feet soaking in her foot spa, a gin and tonic in her hand. "If I won't lead them, who would?")
"I promise I'll talk to her, and I will. Stella isn't someone who just jumps at commands." Ah, Stella... and if she jumped, she bounced just a bit....my daydream explodes as Helen snaps:
"Of course she isn't. You never knew how to pick women or anything else for that matter until I came into your life." Now she sounds like my mom. "Steven do this, Steven do that." Not the most arousing tone, but OK.
"Yeah, sure, OK, I have to go, Helen. Kisses." I swipe my phone shut and put it in my pocket. Why was I doing this again? It's true, I'm not the most decisive guy. Stella seemed to find that cute. Helen, on the other hand, would moan and groan about "Can you just make a decision already?" but I'd come to see there is a certain type of woman who can't resist being Wonder Woman to a fumbling guy. Stella always said I reminded her of her beloved Grizzlies, bumbling about, trying to fish or pick berries, but not above rummaging through nearby trash can, if they run out of dinner options.
I always thought it meant I was resourceful, but Helen soon set me straight. "In a room, you have to remember not to go for the, well, human trashcan."
"Trash can?" I remember saying. "I didn't see anyone homeless in there. I was just chatting."
"The help, Steve, the help. You're here to charm the DONORS. And, just a hint, those are not the people refilling glasses or carrying piles of plates."
"Everyone can vote, Helen. You know that."
"Votes. Why do you keep harping about votes? First off, sure, everyone can. But you know 'people like that' won't be taking time off work to vote. But even if they do, it's not the votes that count. You need to remember the bottom line!" She smoothed her blazer down, turning in front of the mirror as we changed for bed.
"Oh yeah, I love your bottom line, baby. I'll never forget that!"
"Steven!" She shrieked, indignantly, swatting my hand over her perfect curves. "I mean the bottom line that will win us the White House!"
"The White House? I thought you were running for governor? First lady of Idaho! And all I can say is, you are first above all the hoes I've ever met, Ida included."
"It's not first lady. It's Governor Brown. And who was Ida? You never mentioned her."
"She didn't last long. I wasn't sure it was important."
"As long as she's not one of those bloody bleeding heart types like Stella. Those types cause much more trouble than they are worth."
"I'm not sure she..." my voice trailed off. "I mean, of course, Helen. Stella was and still is nothing, but trouble."
````````````````````
Honestly, Stella wasn't trouble, I thought, waiting at "Roll into Sushi" the next day. She just, well, she wasn't Helen's type. Helen loved people. Well, no, that's not exactly right. Helen loved power over people. Now, that was definitely true, whereas Stella...if any talked to her very long it was all Grizzly diet and Grizzly habitat and Grizzly cubs. "Modern humans are forcing Grizzlies to compete with possums!" I still remember how cute she looked when she was indignant.
"Oh hi, Possum, I mean Stella, Stella, of course!" We did that awkward side step into a side hug because hey, it's kind of awkward to merely shake hands with someone you saw naked.
"Possum? Gosh, I forgot you used to call me that! Why was that again?" Stella laughed, and oh man, it drew me in. I remember I'd do anything just to hear her cute little giggle....
"Because you can find the good in any trash can. That's how you found me, right?" We were, as improbable as it sounded, a couple who met doing trail maintenance. Stella was there to clean things up for the Grizzlies, and I just cared about the environment. (That's what I said anyways. Honestly, my buddy Dave told me that volunteering could be a way to meet chicks. The girl kind, not the bird kind.)
"Sure. Ok. What did you need again? I haven't seen you in a coon's age."
Ah Stella and her odd little sayings. You never knew what would come out of those perfect lips. Focus, Steve, focus.
"Well, let's order first. And don't worry, this is one of those ethically sourced places you love so much."
"Do they have tofu?" Stella wrinkled her little nose, squinting at the menu.
She looked so cute when she squinted.
`````````````````````````````````
"So you ...what? How did, I thought you said you deleted those photos! You said you did! I trusted you."
Stella wasn't finding me quite as cute as our meal ended. Any treasure chest of memories often has a few cobwebs and shreds of trash mixed in.
"Hush, ok. You never know.."
"Oh yeah, I forgot, you're important now. And Helen's fanboys might be listening."
"It's not just that. I don't want you embarrassed. Can't you please do this? That distribution center won't really hurt anyone! You owe us anyways. Helen got the funding for those mountain trails renewed, remember. She even got them to set up a maintenance trust!" I'm begging her now. Why do I spend all my time begging women? I never used to have to do this. I wiped my now streaked with grey hair back off my forehead. "Are you hot? Or is it just me? Of course, you're hot. You always were, Stella." I'm transitioning from begging to flirting. There, that's better. I'm the man. I can finesse Stella, Helen too. I still know how to talk to the ladies!
"Steve, you know what? I don't care. You two may as well ruin my life like Behemoth.com ruins everything. Bookstores, Grizzly habitat, what's next? I hear they want to start filling prescriptions! No more drug stores, no more small business anywhere. It's like all Behemoth.com cares about is the bottom line. They won't be happy 'til there is no more green left. And if it's up to Josh Bebo, no one will even look out windows to notice if anything is green. They will just be hypnotized zombies, clicking "Buy It Now," wearing headsets in that Hugelyverse Mike Fickerburg keeps trying to sell. Sell, sell, sell. Not a single business cares about the Grizzlies anymore!" Stella had switched from reminiscing past lover to passionate activist within two sentences. Damn, she was hot when she was preaching the gospel of her Grizzlies!
"Stella, I...this is really important to Helen. I don't think I can stop her this time. When she is determined, all anyone can do is watch out. I never want you to get hurt. I just, well, I still care about you, Stella. Can't you do this? For me?" Back to that begging. Dang it!
"Steve, I don't care about you or Helen anymore, and I mean it. And all I can say is, do you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who cheats, lies, and manipulates? What happened to you, Steve? I don't recognize you anymore. I'm outta here."
Stella marched out, and honestly, she might be a lowly voter, but Helen had nothing on Stella's bottom line, if you know what I mean. Stella. Man. I see her, and here she is leaving me again. I wonder if...
(ring, ring)
(Swipe)
"Yes, Helen?" I didn't even check caller ID. She's trained me well. Sometimes it's just easier not to argue.
"So did you call off Grizzly Girl or is she going to join the ranks of Monica Blinksky and all those other trashy stars you can't stop reading about?" She continues blabbing, and I just let her talk. Stars. I used to think Helen was a star, shooting across the black sky of Idaho politics. But did I really know what true stars were anymore? Helen wasn't the type for camping in the woods, with a telescope. Camping wasn't very productive, she said. No donors around.
"Steven! Are you even listening! Steve!"
"Yes, Dear. I mean, Helen. I'll help. Just tell me how." I try to take mental notes of Helen's demands, I mean, reasonable requests, that's what she told me to call them, as I walk from the air conditioned restaurant to the limo Helen sent.
When we arrived at the headquarters, it took me two hours before I wondered if Stella was right. Were the green spaces shrinking? I really should look sometime.
(Ring, ring)
Sigh.
(swipe)
