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Note: In Idol, we were paired to use both of another contestant's last entries as inspiration for our entry this week.
These came before my entry:
https://halfshellvenus.dreamwidth.org/748715.html
https://halfshellvenus.dreamwidth.org/748923.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I startle awake. What the...why didn't my alarm go off?
I fumble for my glasses, and they fall to the floor. Sigh. I do the awkward gymnastics of getting up, crouching down, and grabbing blindly between the bedside table and the bed. Ah, got them! I shove them on my face and grab for my phone. Why didn't my alarm go off?
I swipe the screen, and my phone wallpaper ...it feels like a knife has stabbed me. Henry is gone. And not in a way that anyone can fully explain.
"I never even heard of a case of this before, Mrs. Tucker. If we had had anyway of knowing, of course, we would have taken every precaution!" Dr. White's eyes did look genuinely sorrowful. Good for him. Running across something new will just become one of the mysteries he puzzles over with his colleagues. But I ... glasses on my nose, I fall back into the cocoon of my pillows and quilt ... but I ...I gently touch my hand to Henry's pillow. He's not here. And even if they ever discover what went wrong, the best that will happen is it will help someone else. My...my husband, so determined to try again, after all his rehab and effort, he is literally dead at his own hand.
He didn't even look like himself, his face bloated. At least that made one decision easier. Henry had often said cremation made the most sense, so that's what we did.
I pick back up my phone. My kids were concerned, but I had felt that returning to their own lives would help. Everyone needs something normal to hold onto, right?
"And maybe you can get back to your classes, Mom? Volunteer somewhere?" I knew Becky was trying to encourage me, but I couldn't imagine that yet. I wasn't ready for all the questions, all the sympathy. I did well keeping my emotions together until someone was kind, and oh man, the kindness somehow would unstop the dams within my eyes. My crying made others uncomfortable. Then I felt I had to comfort them and honestly, I just didn't have the energy.
I clicked on the messenger icon. As usual, a message from each kid, and I replied with a standard, "I'm up, I love you, hope work goes well!"
I do love them. I thought we would share these years as the kids grew together. I placed my hand again on Henry's pillow. I closed my eyes and wished I could sleep again. Why get up today? All that waited were paperwork, errands. And no one to tell later about my day. I mean, I could tell the kids, but honestly, I wanted them to stay focused on what was ahead for them. No sense cluttering their minds with a boring recitation of my life.
I rolled over, but apparently, I wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep.
I walked to the kitchen on autopilot. I was glad I'd loaded the coffee maker the night before because even just pressing the start button felt draining. Maybe some caffeine would help. I chuckled ruefully. Oh yeah, coffee will just fix all these problems.
My phone tinged and I checked for a text. I didn't feel like checking, but what if my kids needed me? It will feel good to face a problem I could actually solve for a change.
"What are we going to do about Jenny and Tracy?" It was Tammy again. Two of our friends had disappeared, both while staying separately at an Air BNB. I didn't answer. I didn't know. Why did everyone want me to solve their problems? I hadn't even done what mattered most. I didn't keep Henry safe. I told him the doctors knew how to help him, and I was wrong, wrong, wrong.
It didn't seem fair, none of this was fair. In the past, whatever went wrong, my friend group was there. We had somehow stayed in touch these 30some years since high school but now, now right when I needed someone to lean on, two were gone?
I dumped a bit of creamer in my coffee. I should eat something. I opened the fridge. Nothing seemed worth eating. Eating didn't seem worth doing. I shut the fridge and stepped out on the back porch.
I had read that sunlight when you wake up can help with depression. The article didn't say, "...with the depression after your husband chokes himself and two of your best friends disappear," but hey, NO ONE CAN SAY I'M NOT TRYING! "I'm f---ing trying" I grit out through my teeth. Great, now I'm also talking to myself.
I look around at my potted plants. I need to prune the cactus. These plants were Henry's pride and joy. I remember working on them last spring, his gentle joking making every chore less of a chore and more of a celebration. Jenny used to roll her eyes at his jokes, but he was always kind when my friends visted, cooking jambalaya and encouraging me to talk with him while he handled the clean up.
None of this was fair.
"Why did you have to be so perfect? If you...then I wouldn't miss you so bad." My tears rolled down my face and into my coffee. I wanted my life back! I wanted to hear their voices again. I wanted to talk to Tammy about something other than Jenny and Tracy's disappearances.
One thing I've learned and my gosh, I have learned it well these past few weeks is that speculation is endless, but it never seems to change anything.
After the fact, it always clear what might have helped and what should have been done and how yes, apparently none of us should ever take a f--ing chance in our lives, because I guess there's always killers waiting, waiting to steal our happiness, our breathe, our friends.
I honestly wondered if Jenny and Tracy had somehow both fallen prey to some homicidal bozos, running around in mail-order ICE vests, destroying women for their own cruel satisfaction. I'm not sure anything is safe anymore.
I went back inside. I grabbed my phone. I swiped it, and stared again at Henry's face on my wallpaper. He would want me to answer Tammy.
I took a deep breath, and clicked to call Tammy. I might cry, but maybe, maybe the flipping lesson in all of this is to love the ones you have, while you still have them. When I don't know what to do, I'm going to try to channel Henry. Henry was love personified, even if his hand did go rouge.
Ring. Ring. "Anita? Thank God, I was worried something happened to you, too." Anita started sobbing.
"Hey, hey, it's ok. Damnit, I take that back, It's not ok. Like Tracy would say, It's all cock-eyed and sideways, but I'm here, Anita. I'm here."
These came before my entry:
https://halfshellvenus.dreamwidth.org/748715.html
https://halfshellvenus.dreamwidth.org/748923.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I startle awake. What the...why didn't my alarm go off?
I fumble for my glasses, and they fall to the floor. Sigh. I do the awkward gymnastics of getting up, crouching down, and grabbing blindly between the bedside table and the bed. Ah, got them! I shove them on my face and grab for my phone. Why didn't my alarm go off?
I swipe the screen, and my phone wallpaper ...it feels like a knife has stabbed me. Henry is gone. And not in a way that anyone can fully explain.
"I never even heard of a case of this before, Mrs. Tucker. If we had had anyway of knowing, of course, we would have taken every precaution!" Dr. White's eyes did look genuinely sorrowful. Good for him. Running across something new will just become one of the mysteries he puzzles over with his colleagues. But I ... glasses on my nose, I fall back into the cocoon of my pillows and quilt ... but I ...I gently touch my hand to Henry's pillow. He's not here. And even if they ever discover what went wrong, the best that will happen is it will help someone else. My...my husband, so determined to try again, after all his rehab and effort, he is literally dead at his own hand.
He didn't even look like himself, his face bloated. At least that made one decision easier. Henry had often said cremation made the most sense, so that's what we did.
I pick back up my phone. My kids were concerned, but I had felt that returning to their own lives would help. Everyone needs something normal to hold onto, right?
"And maybe you can get back to your classes, Mom? Volunteer somewhere?" I knew Becky was trying to encourage me, but I couldn't imagine that yet. I wasn't ready for all the questions, all the sympathy. I did well keeping my emotions together until someone was kind, and oh man, the kindness somehow would unstop the dams within my eyes. My crying made others uncomfortable. Then I felt I had to comfort them and honestly, I just didn't have the energy.
I clicked on the messenger icon. As usual, a message from each kid, and I replied with a standard, "I'm up, I love you, hope work goes well!"
I do love them. I thought we would share these years as the kids grew together. I placed my hand again on Henry's pillow. I closed my eyes and wished I could sleep again. Why get up today? All that waited were paperwork, errands. And no one to tell later about my day. I mean, I could tell the kids, but honestly, I wanted them to stay focused on what was ahead for them. No sense cluttering their minds with a boring recitation of my life.
I rolled over, but apparently, I wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep.
I walked to the kitchen on autopilot. I was glad I'd loaded the coffee maker the night before because even just pressing the start button felt draining. Maybe some caffeine would help. I chuckled ruefully. Oh yeah, coffee will just fix all these problems.
My phone tinged and I checked for a text. I didn't feel like checking, but what if my kids needed me? It will feel good to face a problem I could actually solve for a change.
"What are we going to do about Jenny and Tracy?" It was Tammy again. Two of our friends had disappeared, both while staying separately at an Air BNB. I didn't answer. I didn't know. Why did everyone want me to solve their problems? I hadn't even done what mattered most. I didn't keep Henry safe. I told him the doctors knew how to help him, and I was wrong, wrong, wrong.
It didn't seem fair, none of this was fair. In the past, whatever went wrong, my friend group was there. We had somehow stayed in touch these 30some years since high school but now, now right when I needed someone to lean on, two were gone?
I dumped a bit of creamer in my coffee. I should eat something. I opened the fridge. Nothing seemed worth eating. Eating didn't seem worth doing. I shut the fridge and stepped out on the back porch.
I had read that sunlight when you wake up can help with depression. The article didn't say, "...with the depression after your husband chokes himself and two of your best friends disappear," but hey, NO ONE CAN SAY I'M NOT TRYING! "I'm f---ing trying" I grit out through my teeth. Great, now I'm also talking to myself.
I look around at my potted plants. I need to prune the cactus. These plants were Henry's pride and joy. I remember working on them last spring, his gentle joking making every chore less of a chore and more of a celebration. Jenny used to roll her eyes at his jokes, but he was always kind when my friends visted, cooking jambalaya and encouraging me to talk with him while he handled the clean up.
None of this was fair.
"Why did you have to be so perfect? If you...then I wouldn't miss you so bad." My tears rolled down my face and into my coffee. I wanted my life back! I wanted to hear their voices again. I wanted to talk to Tammy about something other than Jenny and Tracy's disappearances.
One thing I've learned and my gosh, I have learned it well these past few weeks is that speculation is endless, but it never seems to change anything.
After the fact, it always clear what might have helped and what should have been done and how yes, apparently none of us should ever take a f--ing chance in our lives, because I guess there's always killers waiting, waiting to steal our happiness, our breathe, our friends.
I honestly wondered if Jenny and Tracy had somehow both fallen prey to some homicidal bozos, running around in mail-order ICE vests, destroying women for their own cruel satisfaction. I'm not sure anything is safe anymore.
I went back inside. I grabbed my phone. I swiped it, and stared again at Henry's face on my wallpaper. He would want me to answer Tammy.
I took a deep breath, and clicked to call Tammy. I might cry, but maybe, maybe the flipping lesson in all of this is to love the ones you have, while you still have them. When I don't know what to do, I'm going to try to channel Henry. Henry was love personified, even if his hand did go rouge.
Ring. Ring. "Anita? Thank God, I was worried something happened to you, too." Anita started sobbing.
"Hey, hey, it's ok. Damnit, I take that back, It's not ok. Like Tracy would say, It's all cock-eyed and sideways, but I'm here, Anita. I'm here."
