Prompt- Big Hat, No Cattle

[drippedonpaper]

"When you're all hat and no cattle, at some point folks are going to criticize your hat." -Author Unknown

I really like the above quote. Basically, one should live a life of integrity. Don't pretend to be someone you are not. The longer I live, sometimes I feel I have learned more questions than answers.

The more I get to know people, the more complex they seem. I admit, even I am a mystery to myself at times. Often, I can only understand my reaction to something upon deeper reflection. And recently, I admit, I've been trying and failing to understand my siblings.

I do not want to convey something I am not when I talk about my extended family. I do come from a big family. We are happy at times. But it is not the "big happy family" that might seem idealized in the movies.

We just threw a big 50th wedding anniversary party for my parents. So yes, what a long marriage! However, sometimes I still am unsure if they are happy, so no, I don't necessarily "want a marriage just like theirs." I do want a long marriage, but I hope both of us are happy. I want to be a source of joy to my husband.

I have six siblings. I am the 2nd of 7 kids. This makes it sound, perhaps, like I have many close adult siblings who are also my friends. I would like to be friends with them, but I find it challenging. Differing schedules lead to possible misunderstandings of "why did you go to that nephew's event and not my son's event?" With twenty nieces and nephews and another on the way (on my side of the family), there are so many birthdays, dance recitals, piano concerts, etc.

Another complication in having six close relationships with my siblings is that five of the six feel very strongly on political issues, but opposite to the way I vote and believe. The 6th sibling is a brother who I was feeling close to, but things are strained due to miscommunication during his divorce.

So yes, the "big happy family" of my dreams is mostly simply a big family.

How much of the misunderstandings are stress? How much is assumptions about each other?

And how does one mend what isn't?

I love my family. I've thought a great deal about it, and family can be the hardest relationships because they are lifelong. If someone hates a spouse, they might divorce. If someone hates coworkers, they might find a different job. If someone can't get along with a friend, the world is full of humans to befriend. But I have only three children. And my six siblings are the only ones I will ever have.

Here is a photo of my parents, my siblings and their spouses and all but 5 of the 23 grandchildren of my parents. Included is one of my aunts and her daughter. If you click on it, it gets bigger.



A big dream of mine is that my three kids will enjoy each other's friendship through out their lives. But, I have no idea how to build that when I can't seem to stay close to my own siblings.

And maybe that's the answer. With no answers at all, all I can do is promote closeness between them. Not promote competition or comparison between my own kids or even come between them while trying to help them be close. Maybe if I let them build their relationships with each other, maybe they will find out how to be close on their own. Or even find out if they want to be close. It's really their choice.

But when it comes to my siblings, as I like to dream at times, maybe time is waiting for us. Maybe one day, when our kids are grown, my sisters and I can do a ladies' lunch on occasion. Maybe one day, the idea of a big happy family can come true.

But the best relationships are not forced. So I walk the line between reaching out, but hopefully no being annoying.

And maybe my "sisters of the heart" will be my friends, rather than my family. Maybe we put too much pressure and expectation on people who, honestly, just happened to be born to the same parents as my own.

In love, it never helps to force a relationship that isn't working.

Maybe the real key is to throw my hat in the air, and keep walking. There are other fields. I can learn to tend cows instead of goats. Maybe I'm more a beret girl than a cowgirl after all.

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

Very thoughtful!
I get it. My bro and I will never be close, but we can at least survive big events like weddings, funerals, and The Mothership's 92nd surprise birthday.

My birth sisters and I are very close. I am so lucky there.

[drippedonpaper]

I do think sometimes the closest siblings are of the same gender. Brothers can sometimes feel more unapproachable. With my sisters, we've all been pregnant, etc, so there is some "easy" common experiences to talk about.

How many birth sisters do you have? Where do they live? When did you first meet them?

[adoptedwriter]

2 on my birth mother's side and 3 on my birth father's side. (plus 1 adoptive bro and one birth bro who is a hermit). My birth mother's daughters are the ones in Portland, OR and my birth father's kids are here in Cincinnati. I found my birth mother's side and united in 1987-88. My birth father dropped the ball in 1987 and did not come around until 2002.

[erulissedances]

I'm an only child and forever grateful for that. DH is the youngest of three. His middle sibling is deceased, and his older sister is a person we might catch up with 1-3 times a year at famiy get-togethers.

My sister-in-law had 8 children and they get together with their own kids several times a year. For me, it's just too many people. I like my immediate nieces and nephews (most of them, at any rate), but it's too much commotion and too much noise for me most of the time.

No clue for you re your siblings. It's my advantage to be an only child. My "siblings" are relatives by choice, not blood.

- Erulisse (one L)

[drippedonpaper]

That's interesting that you see the "joy" in being an only child, as many only's have expressed that they "missed out."

But I definitely see your point, no siblings mean no awkward obligations :)

[erulissedances]

I love being an only child, and others I've met over the years usually feel the same.

- Erulisse (one L)

[drippedonpaper]

That's good to know :) I guess one does get "all the attention" that way?

Thanks for reading and commenting!

[gunwithoutmusic]

This was very nicely written. I only have one sibling, a sister, and she lives about eight hours away, so we really only see each other two or maybe three times a year. I don't remember ever really being "close" to her - we both had wildly different interests and shared no friends, despite only being a couple of years apart.

I think sometimes about my friend, whose sister is her best friend, and I wonder why my relationship with my sister isn't like that. Even my husband has an extremely close (if currently somewhat strained) relationship with his sister. And it makes me feel sometimes like I'm missing out on something. My sister and I don't hate each other or even dislike each other; there's no problem between us at all. We're just... not close, and rarely talk.

A lot of the things that you write about here are things I can really relate to, and you definitely gave me something to think about. :)

[drippedonpaper]

Yes, sometimes I think there is no "use" thinking too hard about my siblings, but, as someone who is raising 3 kids of my own, I reflect on it partly because I wonder if they are ways for me to ..."help them be close" (my 3 kids)?

Or is it something they have to pick themselves, regardless of what I do?

[gunwithoutmusic]

I don't think you can force it, but I definitely think it's good to encourage it. :)

[drippedonpaper]

Yes, kids definitely rebel against anything forced :) Thanks for the kind advice!

[roina_arwen]

Family can be both a blessing and a frustration. I have one older brother who lives in California (I’m on the east coast) so we only see each other in person every few years. We get along decently but aren’t close. He tends to be extroverted but rarely relays information about himself, if you know what I mean? And because I’m the kid sister (even though I’m in my 50’s) he still tries to advise me and push me to do things “his way” although I mostly just say OK and ignore him, lol!

[drippedonpaper]

I have often felt it's extremely hard to "change" a relationship. Like my parents ...I don't know that they will ever see me as an adult. I'm 44. A mother myself. I've learned a few things! You know?

But I do see what you mean...when you said your brother rarely "relays information.." I want to reach out and maintain friendship with certain relatives or friends, but it also has to ..the other person has to contribute to the conversation at least some, you know? I run out of things to ask/say. I guess that's life...if the other person doesn't also want to form a closer bond..it can't happen. Sigh.

Thanks for commenting :)

[static_abyss]

My mother had nine sisters and two brothers and they were all raised in competition with each other, but also were told that they could never abandon their family. So they are all constantly competing for something that doesn't exist. There's no prize for anyone. No one is going to pop out and declare anyone a winner, but they never learned how to be with each other. But even these people have managed to raise children who get along well with their siblings. I can genuinely say that I love my siblings and I love the cousins I grew up with. And even though our parents are constantly fighting and making up and fighting again, we're all pretty damn close. So the kids will be all right.

[drippedonpaper]

I love hearing that some siblings are close. How many siblings do you have?

And yes, the constant "one uping" some adults do gets silly after awhile. There is no ultimate winners in life. We all have different paths.

I'm glad to hear your aunts and uncle's kids get along. So there is hope for my kids?

Thank you for giving me hope!

[banana_galaxy]

I think big extended families like this can be challenging when there is that political divide. My mum was the person who made the effort to bring our extended family together, so when she passed away, I didn't see my extended family all that much. The ones I did see were primarily because I reached out and made the effort to visit them (one of them reached out to me when I mentioned road tripping the US to visit family, and she lived in a different area than I'd been planning to drive to, but because she reached out I wound up changing plans and driving her direction instead). Honestly, given that my dad's family comes from Wyoming, I'm surprised so many are on the same wavelength as me politically.

I think I would be closer to my siblings now if we lived closer to each other. We have a good time and connect when we see each other in person, but we live in different countries. Even when my brother and I both lived in the US, we lived in different states and I only saw him a couple of times when he came down to see me in California (though he did stay for a few months at the beginning of the pandemic). We (brother, sister, and myself) video chat only a few times a year, but otherwise don't really communicate much. How physically close are you to your siblings?

[drippedonpaper]

Two of my sisters live 25 minutes away. I do try to see them, but they are both super conservative so that can make it interesting.

My younger brother is 3 hours away. Recently, I can't really travel much due to my son's health issues, but his surgery is finally scheduled for July 12.

My oldest brother is in PA, and I am in AL. He and his wife are very conservative. I've reached out to his wife some. This brother is really.."stand offish" so I mostly just give him space. We're in our 40s now. I kind of doubt much will change.

I have a sister 2 hours away that I saw this week. I really enjoyed that. We had a good visit. She has a 2 year old and 7 month old twins so texting/phone is difficult for her right now, but maybe as the kids get a little older.

My youngest sister is in Kansas. We are 17 years apart in age. She and her husband are Bible translators. She seems nice, but takes a long time to respond to messages.

[bleodswean]

Families are so complicated and we seem to want to act as though that isn't a true thing in this culture. We've created this false image of what family is and should be and the more I hear other people discuss their families - origin, nuclear, extended, choice - the truth of our complex relationships becomes more and more clear. Nicely written!

[drippedonpaper]

Yes, that has been my conclusion too. That perhaps so many shows/movies/books are about close families because it's a bit of a pipe dream. Artists recreate the family they wish they had?

Thanks for reading and commenting!

[ofearthandstars]

I don't know how people do big families - I think I'd find it very overwhelming, like I do holidays with the in-laws (who insist on large gatherings), but then again...maybe it's very different if it's what you're used to?

My anger at political topics right now that is making it hard for me to talk to/feel close towards my sister and her family, but I also feel like I should maintain a relationship since I no longer have parents to do that for us - she's one of my few remaining links. Still, it hurts to know she might not accept me if she truly knew who I was and how I felt about things...(and then I think, I am not being very accepting either). *sigh*

In short: I hear you. I wish you the closeness and security you desire, and hope that the differences can eventually be made irrelevant.

[drippedonpaper]

I'm sorry you also deal with a sister who...like you said, sometimes I think of what my siblings say they believe and wonder if we can have anything in common?!

I try to focus on our memories. I love their kids. We have the human experience in common. But it's hard.

Hugs to you!

[mollywheezy]

Excellently written! And yes, families are hard even when they are not as big as yours. *HUGS*

[drippedonpaper]

Hugs back! :)

[tonithegreat]

Well done for such a complex take! Family is tough. And family will call a person out before any other group will. I’m lucky to have a relatively simple family situation and to be physically close with my one sister and my folks. I’m sure it’s harder with distance and more people to juggle.

[drippedonpaper]

I'm so glad to hear your family seems to work out. Give me hope to hear that :)

[dadi]

I have sisters of the heart. My own sister...no. we have nothing at all in common and don’t agree on 99% of things in the world...

[drippedonpaper]

I'm very glad you have sisters of the heart. True connection is what matters, right, not just whether you share DNA.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

[marlawentmad]

This is a touching musing on what it means to be a family. I've thought about what it means to be family a lot, but my experience is very different. I always envied people with large families, because I felt lonely in mine. My parents moved me and my older siblings out of state when I was young, and my sisters are significantly older than me. But, reading your account, it's all the same, isn't it? Human bonds are complicated matters. I think about chosen family a lot, too, and am lucky enough to have been chosen by those I choose.

[drippedonpaper]

I'm sorry you felt lonely in your family. I'm glad you have found friends as family.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

[d0gs.livejournal.com]

I'm an only child [technically I should have two siblings incl a twin, but they perished], and my family is not that big and on one side I'm estranged by choice from them due to how abusive, bigoted etc they are. The other side is not really close to me either as I grew up in a different country, so I've always craved a massive family <3

[drippedonpaper]

Oh man, I'm so sorry you lost your siblings.

My 2nd sister (kid number 5) had twins her first time, but Henry, the boy twin, unexpectedly died 2 days before birth. I often wonder how Susanna (the surviving twin) will feel knowing she never got to meet him. To make her feelings more complicated, my sister went on to have twin boys. (She has a gene that means she will probably always conceive twins.) I really wonder how Susanna will feel seeing them play together and wondering about how it might have been different if Henry had lived.

If you have any tips...you don't have to answer, I know that's super personal.

Thanks so much for sharing about your family!

[alycewilson]

I loved that photo of your family! When I was younger, I used to be jealous of big families, since both my parents were essentially only children (my dad has a half-brother who was considerably older than him and not part of his life). I appreciate my smaller family now, but that picture looks so warm and welcoming, and I think you must be very lucky.

[drippedonpaper]

Big families have their moments. I do wish we were closer emotionally. However, I do enjoy cuddling all the baby nieces and nephews (we call them niblings, like siblings.)

You are such a great mom. I always enjoy your posts about your son. I can feel how much you delight in him. Truly warms my heart!